Christmas Fig Pudding

Christmas Fig Pudding

From a recipe that I discovered in the Winter of 2004.

Ingredients

• 1 semi-dated old cookbook
• Generous helping of small scraps of paper and pens
• Laundry machine
• 1 kitchen stocked with basic baking supplies, some esoteric baking supplies, and a wide range of cooking instruments.
• 1 home phone
• 1 cell phone
• A liberal portion of stress from finals, not to exceed 1 quart but no less than 1 pint.
• Road-choking snow, to thicken. Do not substitute arrowroot.
• 1 local supermarket that is at least 30% incompetent stock clerks
• A dash of whole-foods, co-op, and specialty food stores
• Fresh email
• 1 mixed drink
• Giggles to garnish if desired
  
  

Leave seven days until the time the pudding is needed; one day ought to be a Sunday, to make sure that stores will be closed then.

Directions

1. Seven days (including one Sunday) prior to the date for the pudding, look up recipe for Christmas Fig Pudding, English Style, in old cookbook. Locate scrap of paper. Make quick list of necessary ingredients in shorthand with the pen; it is best to do this during a study break from finals so that the paper will be half-illegible. Quickly scout kitchen. Believe that you have all the necessary ingredients and utensils except currants, raisins, figs, and brandy/rum. Rest assured that the local supermarket will have these in abundance.
2. Place scrap of paper in pocket. Return to studying; let stand for 4 days.
3. Do laundry. Forget scrap of paper is in jeans pocket. After thorough rinsing to remove half the pigments from the ink, remove from jeans pocket while folding clothes.
4. Curse self. Sprinkle in a pinch of stress in order to raise blood pressure. Find old cookbook and copy down ingredients again on another scrap of paper. Place this second piece of paper, along with the first piece, on the fridge door. Let stand for 1 day.
5. Finish studying. At this point the remaining stress should have thickened from emotional tension to sleep deprivation and physical tiredness. If not, slowly add snow, whisking constantly while chilling.
6. Go to kitchen to get scrap of paper. Place in pocket.
7. At supermarket, remove paper from pocket. Track down clerk when unable to find figs or currants. Clerks should be mixed thoroughly, so that a least 1 in 3 is unable to give directions to figs or currants. There should be no lumps, no matter how satisfying the prospect appears. Buy raisins; remember downstairs roommates will have rum.
8. Return to kitchen and locate home phone. Make calls to whole-foods, co-op, and specialty food stores. Attempt to locate figs and currants. Select one store and, after chilling thoroughly and using snow to taste, find that the store has figs and raisins, not currants.
9. Return to kitchen once more, adding more snow and mixing thoroughly. Let stress stand overnight to harden. A bed-shaped mold is good to use at this step.
10. Turn stress out from mold into kitchen. With phone, call more whole-foods, co-op, and specialty food stores. Find out it is Sunday and many are closed. Be careful not to break the phone at this stage.
11. With remaining snow, move to supermarket. Stress should now be quite hard and approaching the stage where when dropped in ice water it balls up and sulks. This is known as the 'hard-ball' stage.
12. Without adding any currants, drop cell phone into mixture. Make call to mother and ask her how she manages this each year. Be careful not to break crowns on teeth from grinding when she says she buys ready-made puddings and steams them in a double-boiler or in the microwave.
13. Add four clerks. Make sure none have any pudding, as we are not at that stage yet. Instead the clerks should only have raisins, figs, and jello pudding mixes.
14. With cell phone, make another call to mother. Ask where ready-made pudding is located in home supermarket. Move to baking supplies aisle, careful not to form lumps. Retrieve sufficient puddings from bottom shelf where they should be half-obscured by cans of cherry pie filling. Ask mother where to find rum sauce. After incomprehesible dialoque including milk and rum over phone, request an email.
15. Turn out into kitchen. All snow should now be absorbed into the recipe, preferably through socks and jeans legs.
16. Prepare pudding. Check email and prepare rum sace according to directions.
17. Add one mixed drink and let rest until party. Minor exclamations and scorching is normal and should set by the time the drink is absorbed. If not, add one more mixed drink. Do not exceed three drinks.
18. Eat pudding while most everyone else eats chocolate cake anyway. Proclaim pudding is better because the rum sauce has alcohol. Eat more pudding.
19. Flop on couch and add giggles if desired.