TOA Tara Diary
May 4th, 1999
My social worker says I have to write in this thing or else they might have to move me out of this home. I don’t care all too much. I mean, the family is nice, but no family keeps me more than a couple of months anyways. I guess the only real reason I care is if I got moved I might not be able to do flying lessons anymore.
Yeah, I started them. The Bryson’s are okay with driving me there and I will usually be able to catch a ride home with one of the other students, Janice or Sarah. Will offered also but I could tell it was not a good idea. I start them this Saturday, in two days that is. I am really excited actually. I went out there to visit with Mrs. Bryson and the planes are really pretty. Even though they are just little training planes, they were really agile and stuff. I will of course have to do a lot of written stuff first but that is okay.
I was worried it would be too expensive, but the state is paying for part of it and my book store job is covering part. I’m just glad it’s something normal. All the kids seem really ordinary and cool I guess.
Okay, I guess that is enough for now.
May 20th, 1999
Flying lessons are going really well. Will finally stopped flirting with me and now he is trying Sarah. She mostly ignores him though which is pretty funny. We had one test already and I did great, I can’t wait until I can be in the skies.
School is almost out for the summer. Mostly I am glad. I’m a little sad that I won’t see some of the kids, but it is hard to be in that building. So many of the other kids in class, especially the boys, make me feel really uncomfortable. I try to ignore it but I just get a stupid weird feeling. Probably just paranoid or something, I don’t want to be the weird girl again.
Mr. Bryson made steaks tonight because it is Jack’s birthday (his real son that is). Jack is sixteen now, just a few months younger than me, and he is really nice and smart. We have one class together in school but mostly he is in the honors classes.
I am going to try to get more hours at the bookstore once exams are done so I can go from weekend classes to weekday. That way I can finish the written part sooner. I will end up repeating a little bit if I switch but that is okay, it will still be a lot faster.
May 26th, 1999
My supervisor at the bookstore said yes!! Some of the other students are from out of town, so he will have less people to work. We had to work around the flying lessons but that was okay. Now my only free day is on Sunday, and during the week I have to get up really early and go to bed late. I don’t mind though because it is all worth it.
June 18th, 1999
Jack left for summer camp this week. He said I could use his car to go to flying lessons, which was really nice of him. Now that I am in day classes it is more of a burden for the Brysons to take me there.
Pretty soon we will have our test for the written part and if we pass we will get to fly. It will be so great!!!
I started doing some chores and things around the house. The Brysons are okay I guess and I am trying to make them like me so I can stay here.
July 31st, 1999
The social worker says I have to keep writing in this. It’s not that I don’t want to but I guess I can never think of anything new, or I just forget.
Anyways I am flying now. It is totally wonderful and I love it. My instructor says I am a natural! I figured at first that he said that to all the students, but I heard him telling the other teachers in the staff room how good I am. It is like I know just what the plane is about to do before it even happens. One time a warning light came on in my plane and I had already turned around to land. I guess I heard something in the engine, or something. I hope it is just that and not that I am doing weird stuff again.
August 10th, 1999
I had a really bad dream last night. It was about before I was fifteen and the state got me. Only the Brysons were there and he was hurting them to make me do things. I could not stop crying even when I woke up. It has been a while since I have had those dreams. I thought my lessons and keeping really busy so I would be tired would make them stop, but it has not. Maybe I should try to take some medication again. But not that other stuff, it made my tummy so upset!
I did not tell Mrs. Bryson even though she saw I was upset. I just said I had a nightmare and she gave me a hug. It was nice. I really do like them a lot. I hope they will keep me when December comes around, which is when the thing they signed will run out. They probably will I think.
August 21st, 1999
Jack is back from camp now! He is all sunburnt and freckly, but he said he had a great time. I was glad to see him but now the driving gets a little more complicated. So now how it is, is that I drive to my lessons and then when I come home at 1:00 either he will drive me to the bookstore or I will walk. I do not mind walking except when it is really hot, it makes me tired. But not all sweaty. Actually I never really get sweaty or stinky.
One thing I do not like is walking home at night, it is usually 9:00 or even 10:00 when I get out because of all the unpacking, all the school books are arriving and there is so much to do. I just get nervous going home alone in the dark. Sometimes I wonder if he is out there waiting to get me again. Or someone else. I know he is still in prison though.
Jack asked me about him. Well not about him but about what things were like before. I could not talk about it and he did not understand. I just got all nervous and my throat got all swollen up because I was so upset. He did not understand but after a while he left me alone about it. He really is very nice, he just did not know what to do. I do not blame him! I will try to be brave and tell him soon.
School starts next week so my schedule will change again. Flying lessons on the weekend and work only some evenings, so I can do my homework. I did save some from this summer though so that is good.
September 15th, 1999
I forgot to write in this for a while because school has been going all crazy. I am a junior now and classes are getting harder. I am in one honors class this year though! It is literature and I actually have it with Jack too. I did not make any friends last year because I had to transfer in the middle of the year. But this year I know it will be better. There is a girl in my art class who I like, her name is Alice and she is very good at painting. It is good because I do not like my art teacher, Mr. Ripkin. He is very good at art and at teaching too, but I keep having this really bad feeling about him. I mostly am trying to ignore it in class though.
Alice and I have lunch together only on A days, so on B days I sit by myself under the tree and read a book or something. Today some people laughed at me when they walked by. Maybe I should stop, I don’t want to be weird or anything. But no, I like reading.
October 1st, 1999
Today I told Jack a little bit about what happened to me before the state took me. He was really shocked, he had never thought it would be something like that. I did not tell him what he made me do, just that he took me from my parents and then he got arrested. I could tell he wanted to ask, but he did not, and I am glad.
I think it is good that I can talk about it, right?
October 14th, 1999
Today I had my first solo flight!!! I finally got all 20 hours of instructor flight time so at my lesson today I had my first solo!!! It was so great. I was nervous when I was waiting to get in the plane, but as soon as I pulled onto the runway I was not nervous at all anymore. And I did perfect! I am so excited!
My instructor gave me a cupcake when I landed, it had a piece of orange on top. Yum! Mrs. Bryson is making my favorite lemon shrimp pasta to celebrate. I am going to go help her now!
October 31st, 1999
Today was Halloween! I did not go trick or treating or anything, but I handed out candy to some kids wearing my costume. And I also wore it to school today, because we were allowed to. I dressed like a fairy, with pretty blue wings like a butterfly. When I saw the costume in the shop I just knew I had to have it! Well the costume was purple but I asked for blue and they had that one in the back. I knew they would somehow. Alice actually got the purple one so we matched in art class. Only she is not flat and skinny like me so she looked prettier. Mr. Ripkin said we were both so cute, he kept looking over at us and I did not like it. But everything else was fun.
November 18th, 1999
Today was a long day! I had my long flight, the 150 I need for my license. First I flew about 50 miles to this other airfield, then about 30 to another one, then back, then back home. So it was I guess about 160 miles total with the three full stops like I need. Plus all three stops were at a strip with an air control tower so I checked that off the list too. I was pretty tired when I got back!
So all I have left is some more flight time, and then on Christmas break I will do my night flight part. That will be to the other airfield and back since it has to bee 100 miles total. Also I have to take off and land ten times with a holding pattern!! I will do that in the middle. I made sure I would be on break so I could take some time to get used to being up at night. I do not want to be tired for it.
Jack came to pick me up from flight today and was so excited for me he gave me a big kiss on the cheek. I was so embarrassed!
November 30th, 1999
The most awful thing ever happened today. I am really upset about it still. Alice had to stay after school today so that Mr. Ripkin could go over her portfolio with her. I decided to surprise her by waiting for her and meeting up after for maybe some ice cream or pizza. But when I got to the classroom they were still inside later than she had said. Suddenly, I am not sure why, I got really, really mad and busted in to the classroom. Alice was not wearing her blouse and Mr. Ripkin was touching her chest. She was crying too. I ran right at him and pushed him over onto the floor! I made Alice come with me to the Brysons, she was crying and crying. Mr. Bryson got so mad, it was scary. Not at us I mean, at Mr. Ripkin. He called the principal at home even.
Alice said it had never happened before and I believed her. But I bet he has done it to other students too.
December 4th, 1999
Mr. Ripkin was fired. He might go to jail. Another teacher is finishing up our class. They did not say why he was fired, but everyone knows it was because he did that to a student, they just do not know who. Someone asked me if it was me, I was so surprised. I said no but maybe he did not believe me.
Alice is back in school and she is okay now. She says now we are best friends in the world. I won’t ever tell her secret of course! Best friends do not do that.
December 15th, 1999
The Brysons are going to keep me another year! Yay!
December 21st, 1999
My night flight went okay! I am really tired so this will be short. I have a few more hours to go but they will be on vacation until the middle of January. That is okay because I can’t get my license until my birthday anyways.
Okay I almost just fell asleep writing so good night!
January 2nd, 2000
I went to a New Years Eve party with Jack… it was very crowded and loud. Alice could not come, she was visiting relatives and is not back yet. Anyways Michael Guley kissed me at midnight! I did not like it very much. I was very surprised and also embarrassed. I hope he does not think I am his girlfriend now.
When I told Jack he got all embarrassed to and said not to be mad at Michael, and that I was very pretty so he understood. So much blushing!
January 29th, 2000
I went for my medical on Saturday for my certificate so I can get my license. I just had to do the vision and hearing, and then they looked down my throat and stuff. They asked me about my scar, because they thought I might have vertigo problems if I was hit on the head. I told them no, I had it since I was a baby, no problems. But they would not leave me alone and finally they took an X-Ray. I did not like it at all.
I think they knew it was not a scar. I would not let them take a tissue sample. I am kind of nervous now.
February 15th, 2000
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Michael Guley gave me a box of chocolate. I was very embarrassed as usual… no one was in the hall except us and Alice or I might have died! He really is very nice though. I can just see his goodness filling him all up. I told him thank you and then he asked me to go to a movie with him. I said yes because I was so surprised and also because he looked so nervous. Afterwards Alice teased me a lot!
February 24th, 2000
Today is my birthday! It was really great. I am glad it was on a Saturday because I could enjoy the whole day all relaxed. In the morning I got my license!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! My school says they will give me super cheap plane rental rates because I was such a good student. Basically I am only paying for gas and them to maintain it a little. And they gave me two hours free as a birthday present! I took Alice, Jack, and Michael up, they liked it. I made Alice sit in the front with me though because I did not want Michael to try to hold my hand. I need that to fly! He held my hand after the movie last week, and that was okay I guess.
After that we got pizza for lunch. Then Alice and I said bye to the boys (they went to go see the new Diiman movie “2 Fast for j00”) and we went to the art museum. It was so neat. We got in free because we are high school students. Alice brought her sketchbook and made some notes for ideas later.
Mrs. Bryson made a big berry cake that was sooooo good. They gave me a pretty necklace with a bunch of little crystal drops. Alice gave me a book I had wanted. Jack got me lunch that day (and a slice of pie). Michael got me flowers in a vase, three white roses. Blush!!!
It was the best birthday ever.
April 15th, 2000
I forgot to write again for a while. Alice just found out that her dad got a job… in New York. They are moving after school is out for the summer. I cried when she told me because she is my best friend in the world. My senior year is going to be super lonely.
May 10th, 2000
On Friday something really weird happened. We were having lunch outside and Alice and I went down to the creek to dip our toes. Suddenly I had a really bad feeling that we were in danger. I jumped up and stood in front of Alice and a dog ran out of the bushes! He was snarling and barking, and we were scared, but Alice and I backed up into the creek and he did not follow. After a while he went away.
Alice said I must have had really good hearing to have jumped up like that but, I did not hear the dog. I just knew. I did not tell her that though.
June 5th, 2000
School just got out. Alice moves in two days. Today her and I went flying for a while, which was nice but a little sad. Then we went to get some Chinese food together and I gave her a present, which was half of a Best Friends necklace. I spent a long time looking, most of then looked all cheap. This one was real silver carved like a flower, and they engraved my name on my half and hers on hers. She cried when she saw it and then I did too.
We will write letters and call each other with calling cards. Maybe in a year we can go to the same college. She wants to go to RISD or Pratt if she cannot get in. I hope she goes to Pratt. There are lots of colleges in New York, I could go to one of them. I don’t know what I want to study though. Mostly I just like literature. I don’t know what I would do for a job though.
Jack is already getting letters from colleges, but he is really smart. He wants to do something with robots, or maybe biology. I tell him he should be a mad scientist! He laughed at me.
August 15th, 2000
My case worker says I don’t have to write in this anymore. Anyways I’ll be eighteen in six months and then they can’t tell me what to do! Maybe I’ll write in it from time to time but only if I feel like it.
November 3rd, 2000
College applications are hard! I want to go to NYU and study comparative literature, but I am nervous about the big city. Jack wants to go to MIT or U Chicago. The Brysons says he needs lots of scholarships then! For me, I can get lots of scholarships since I am an orphan, and stuff. So I am not too worried. If not I will just have lots of loans!
February 24th, 2001
I’m eighteen now! The state gave me allllll this paperwork to do. But the Brysons said I could stay with them until I go to college. They are not even charging me rent. I like them so much.
Speaking of college, I am going to NYU. I hope I get plenty of loans.
I went flying last weekend to celebrate. They asked if I would help teach the written classes as a summer job. Just a teacher’s aide type of thing. I said sure, I would balance it with my bookstore job, which I have had for so long now I would not want to quit.
July 18th, 2001
Teaching is fun. Two jobs is a lot but I am making plenty of college money! I am hoping I will not have to work for the first semester. I also have a lot of scholarships and loans so that is good. New York here I come!
September 29th, 2001
College is so busy! I love my classes though, I already have one in my major. We read an excerpt of this really neat old book, so I went trying to find it and ended up in this specialty old books store in Soho. The guy who owns it, Mark, is really nice! We talked for like an hour. And he even helped me with analyzing the excerpt, he lent me a great reference book for my paper. Well, kind of lent, I can read it in the store but he cannot let me take it out in case someone else needs it. I think maybe I won’t tell my classmates, I don’t want this place to get too crowded. It’s nice and quiet right now.
December 27th, 2001
My first Christmas alone. Everyone except a few people went home. The Brysons sent me a present, a really nice warm sweater! I write them letters to let them know how I am. They are almost like a real family. Jack asked if he could visit in January, I guess MIT has the whole month off. There are classes and sessions though but he is only doing those for part of the time.
June 5th, 2002
Summer! Well, kind of. I am taking some classes at the school. I have to or I cannot stay in the dorms. But I would have taken them even if I didn’t need to. I am also working part time for Mark helping him to do some work with filing and setting up a computer inventory. It will take forever!!! He has so many old books!
July 24th, 2002
Some of Mark’s books are really weird. Like, stuff I try not to think about, weird. I am not sure whether to talk to him about it or not. I don’t know.
Today I cataloged a whole bunch that were about some culture I had never heard of called Nu’mair. I looked inside some of it and it was about people made of water, and stuff. I think it might be made up, or like, an old explorer’s journal where he got stuff wrong.
June 22nd, 2003
I can’t believe I am halfway through college! And that I did not write in here for a year. Ha ha. Well it has been lots of fun. Comparative Literature is really interesting, and I am minoring in Religious Studies.
May 15th, 2005
I graduate this month!!! WOW!! I have no idea what I am going to do! Mark cannot really afford to hire me full time. I think I will try to get a job at the Museum.
Mark and I started talking today about stuff. Occult stuff. I wasn’t very surprised that he knows what I am, kinda. He does not push me to talk too much though. He never has. Even when I told him about Henry he did not push me at all. He got pretty mad though, I could tell even though he is quiet!
I still do not know what I think about it all. I especially do not like the thought of all these things existing and nobody knowing about them! That is just so strange to me. I wonder how that works anyways? I am sure someone would notice people with bright orange skin, or wings, or stuff, but I have never heard of it on the news or anything.
October 31st, 2005
Halloween sure is funny when you think about all the occult stuff that goes on and how fake most of it is. Yeah, I am starting to study occult with Mark. I finally decided that it’s stupid to keep running from it. Especially after I accidentally knocked out that mugger at the gas station last week. Eye lasers!? Too weird. Mark laughed though and I laughed after a while too.
December 4th, 2005
Ritual magic is soooo cool! I have not done any myself yet, just worked on analyzing others so far. It is like I am a detective, only with ritual components and not fingerprints and bloodstains and stuff! Right now I am working on organic components, like feathers and various plants and animal bits. Gemstones are important but expensive… I will have to learn that slow.
March 29th, 2006
I have the COOLEST new job, you do not even know…
