Hub2 Ember: Adventure Journal

Thursday, May 30, 48670

I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that the spell is, technically, called "Hold Person" -- thus implying that despite someone's judgement that it should be used on me, they're still admitting, deep down, that I'm a person. Who am I kidding? That's not much comfort. Maybe I should have a bumper sticker made for Mara's hood. "FAERIE ON BOARD" might work. Or..."BEWARE OF WATCH-FAERIE"? That might send the wrong impression. "THIS ISN'T THE FAERIE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR"? "FAERIES ARE PEOPLE TOO!" Except, we already established that technically, they know that. Maybe Mara can think of something better. Perhaps "DETECT BEFORE YOU LEAP" would be more instructive.

I know I should be thankful she didn't choose a spell that was more...offensive. And that it didn't work. But I'm just not good enough to be like that yet. Every day I see that scar on my arm, my leg, they sting all over again. But now I can't just be angry. Now I feel bad -- like it's my fault, like I shouldn't make people so angry, like I'm the one who did something wrong. Like I'm the one who should be better. Having a conscience is hard work. I thought it might be hardest at the bottom, but it just gets harder as I climb. It will be worth it some day, Oak. Love you.

Sunday, June 3, 48670

Told a fortune today. The guy in the corner of The Dead Duck. I don't know why I offered. I haven't done a free one for a long time. Something about him felt like a little tug of kinship of some kind. So I asked, and he agreed. He threw a lot of dark runes, dark for people and shiny for coin. Money is so new to me, it's still striking to find anyone with that much gold and riches. But there is always a price, right? He's the kind who would not talk about such things, but...Isa, Berkano, so many darkened runes tell that he has, perhaps, paid the price in his relationships with others. He's a dark creature, whatever kind of man he is. My kind of dark. Why did I go? It was all I could think of. We have to find out who is after us. Please don't see me there, Oak. It's not my fault. Which moments of my life do you live? I imagine I must only see the best of you. All the gods in this life cannot help me if you only see the worst of me.

Thursday, June 7, 48670

I think I just met someone famous. Apparently, these woods we travelled through to get to the Temple of Eternal Night is rumored to be the home of the original Bronze dragon. So I'm flying above and scouting and suddenly half the party bolts...and then this guy I can't see says "Oops, sorry." It was totally dragonfear. I mean, he didn't identify himself, but you have to wonder. I apologized, just in case. It's good to be nice to powerful people.

Friday June 8, 48670

It has been a long time since I bathed in the presence of others, let alone under the watchful eye of a temple and deity. I think everyone else was either distracted by the temple or too embarrassed to look anyway. I'm not sure whether my uncomfortableness stems just from showing more of myself when I'd prefer to show less, or if it's still that nagging reminder every time someone new sees my oldest scars. Time has not dulled that moment. Rather, every reminder brings back each of those moments since -- like the priestess, most recently. This place can cleanse my body, but there are parts of my soul it will not wash clean.

Tuesday June 19, 48670

Another dream. Bright light through crystal shards, a faerie-sized home, the warm feeling of seeing a friend. I am glad she has those feelings, but it's always so hard to wake up. It has been a while since I saw her face. That always hits me harder. I know Mara means well when she asks me about stuff, but talking about it never makes it easier. At least I have a friend now too.

And then we arrived in the town of farmers. I'm so afraid to let anyone see me. At least when Mara told Nib not to be afraid, he listened to her. He seems to be okay with me. It sounds like I'll mostly be snooping outside of town anyway. Maybe I won't even have to see a farmer. The most wonderful thing about my dreams is having a break from that fear. I know your life is not easy, Oak, but I am eternally grateful this is one pain you do not have to suffer.

Tuesday June 26, 48670

One hundred and one years. They look like a handful of glitter dancing on the wind...whirling by in a blur, with bright spots and dark spots and not much in between. Being out away from the people and away from the town is nice though. I found an adorable boa to snuggle and picked fresh fruit. I smelled the air and the earth and slept under the open sky. Tents are useful when we travel, but every now and then, I need this freedom. And I can see why people out here might tend to worship darkness and night. But tonight, the stars are beautiful and I do not have to convince anyone else of who I am or who I wish to be. Happy birthday, Oak.

Monday July 16, 48670

Vitra and I had an interesting meeting today. We thought we were going to see some middling priest of Ramver about some research, but instead we found the top 5 members of The Council. They talked to Vitra for a little while and gave her a bit list of things to look for. I'm sure at least some of them could see me sitting there, but no one tried to talk to me. I didn't really know what to do. There were a lot of unspoken things in that room, tensions and questions that cannot be answered. What would you think if you saw that? Do you even see me, when I'm hiding from everyone else? Somehow, I imagine we would always be able to see each other.

Monday August 14, 48670

Another day, another dream -- but this one was different. When I dream, I see what Oak sees. This time, she was talking to me. More than ever, I feel like if I told someone, they'd say it was "just a dream" or wishful thinking. But I don't believe that. It's her. It's really her. Why would she be looking for me? Why would she even want to meet me? I suppose I always assumed that if she knew about me, if she had the same dreams, she saw the bad things I do. She saw me spend so many years truly hurting people, saw how everyone who can see me reacts. I assumed she saw what I see in the mirror. "We'll find each other in the middle somewhere." My sister is so smart. More than ever, I need to find her. First, I need to learn how she spoke to me, and how to help her do that. How to be strong enough that I can talk to her as well.

I need help. But now that I am caught up in something so big, with gods and artifacts and traveling the world...who can I trust? I'm not sure I can trust anyone. I may need to do this on my own. No -- with my sister. With just the help of my sister. I have waited a long time to write those words.