Why-I-Am-Going-To-Hell Spinach

Allow me to just state for the record here: "I really don't have it out for all vegetarians. It just so happens that a lot of the people I have it out for are vegetarians of some kind." That being said, the reason I'm going to hell is not because I'm a choir-boy toucher (... so, say one or two of my exes happened to be choir boys when they were growing up. I DIDN'T KNOW!), nor is it for the time I impersonated a member of the clergy by co-authoring that magazine column Confessions With Father Potato-Head (to be fair, Mr. Potato-Head looked ever so smart sporting that adorable little clerical-collar I made out of felt). No, it's actually because of this one time that I got roped into being the "Token Asian" for somebody's dim sum birthday party at some vile greasy restaurant in Boston's Chinatown. I guess when over 2/3 of your party guests are vegetarians and kosher Jews, you kinda need a Cantonese-speaking "Token Asian" there to make sure nobody accidentally gets a mouthful of pork. About 30 minutes into this truly kwality dining experience, a number people were starting to whine about the lack of veggie options aside from plain white buns. Having no desire to listen to my ex's new girlfriend bitch and moan, I flagged down a cart with a giant pile of fried spinach and kale (since we all know that a pile of vegetables is vegetarian-safe). Well, after chowing down on a particularly large pile of spinach, I had one vegetarian-Jew ask "this brown sauce is really good. What is it?" Calling upon memories of how my mother used to make this at home, I thought to myself what kind of Chinese vegetable sauce is typically brown? Oh, hmm... oyster sauce. Ooooops. So there. That was the time I accidentally fed a bunch of Jews shellfish. Phew, what a relief. I'm so glad I got that off my chest. Forgive me, Father Potato-Head, for I have sinned.

Ingredients:

3 cups fresh spinach

2 tbsp Lee Kum Kee oyster sauce

1 tsp minced garlic

1 tbsp cooking oil

Tools:

1 no-bullshit wok

1 wok spatula

As we have learned from the story described above, the first step in this recipe is to determine whether or not you're going to accidentally be feeding shellfish to any Jews. Once your conscience is clear, heat up the cooking oil in your wok. Plop in some the garlic and fry just until fragrant (watch the timing on this, because if you aren't careful, the garlic will burn while you're cooking the spinach). Rinse out your spinach thoroughly (removing sand and particles as best you can), and toss that in with the garlic. Stir-fry the vegetables until the spinach is wilted, then add the oyster sauce. Toss vegetables to coat, then spoon onto a plate and serve immediately.