Fried Rice

"Fried Rice" is pretty much the Asian version of "the casserole" (only we don't have to worry about tornadoes tipping over our houses - our ancestors do that for us). It's a great way for getting rid of leftover meats and vegetables in your fridge and fooling everyone into thinking you made something new and totally delicious. Here I'm including my basic recipe for fried rice that I do on the weeknights when I just can't bring myself to cook anything good, but I don't want another "pasta with butter" special.

Ingredients:

3/4 cup calrose rice

1 cup H20

1 frozen boneless skinless chicken breast

1 onion

1/2 cup frozen peas

1/2 cup frozen corn

soy sauce

cooking oil

1 large egg

black pepper (to taste)

Tools:

1 no-bullshit wok (none of those flat-bottomed non-stick coated crap ones - they make baby Jesus cry)

1 wok spatula

1 rice cooker

Obviously you can substitute or add anything to this mess once you know the basic principle of fried rice (otherwise known as "Thing In Pan"-Fu). But for this particular recipe, I've streamlined the preparation process so that everything's done in under 20 minutes (stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Rachel Ray). First, put the rice, frozen peas, frozen corn, and water in the rice cooker. Stir everything around and then press the "cook" button and leave it alone. While that's cooking, defrost your chicken breast in the microwave. While that's defrosting, cut up the onion into slivers. Heat up the wok and start frying the onion pieces in 1 tbsp oil (be sure not to burn them). Cut up the defrosted chicken into small bite-sized pieces and toss it in the pan with the cooking onions. Pepper the still-raw chicken pieces while they are in the pan and stir fry them with the onions until they are just cooked through. Splash 1 tbsp of soy sauce on the chicken and stir until everything's coated in brown (hmmm... where have I heard *that* before?). Miraculously, the rice cooker should pop and your rice and veggies should be done within minutes of your chicken-onion stir-fry being done (I timed this, people. Why do you think it's 3/4 cups of rice and not some normal amount like 1 cup? And don't you say "because, Kim, you don't have any normal measuring cups in the house - they're all odd-sizes like 3/4 and 5/8 cup"). Carefully scoop all the cooked rice and veggies into the wok and stir everything until it's brown (is the color of poo!). Add more soy and a dash more oil if things just aren't coating the rice well. Once the ingredients are homogeneously distributed throughout the rice, crack the egg on top of the mixture and stir it around in the rice until it's cooked. Serve everything nice and hot.

Now, obviously, that's my 20 minute solution to "what's for dinner? Please god, not pasta again." However, there's tons of stuff you can substitute in this recipe and still have it come out right. Got a bunch of already-grilled chicken sitting in the fridge? Leftover veggie sides? A specific kind of stir-fry sauce? Heave it all in the pan and mix it up before throwing the rice on top. Sometimes it actually comes out better than any one of the ingredients you shove in the pan. Sometimes it comes out tasting like feet (as demonstrated consistently by Pu-Pu Hot Pot's cat-ass buffet specials. I still wonder why our gaming run ordered from them for so many years). Feel free to post in My Fearsome Craps if something really bad happens because I'm sure we'll all want to hear about it.